This book began as a way for me to grieve; a raw, honest exploration of loss, depression, anxiety, and the tangled emotions that come with them.

What started as journal entries during lonely moments quickly became a lifeline, helping me process and understand the chaos within. In documenting my experience, I discovered that pain isn’t something to hide from but something to embrace.

Why isn’t vulnerability celebrated? Why do we create walls instead of opening up? My hope is to break that silence, showing that mental health struggles are real, complex, and deserving of conversation.

Questions that haunt me—what kept me from ending it all—are grim and terrifying, but confronting them has become part of my healing. Writing has given me purpose, a way to reclaim my story, honor my pain, and inspire others walking similar paths.

This isn’t about neat resolutions or perfect healing. It’s about embracing chaos, honesty, and giving voice to what’s often left unspoken. Through these pages, I aim to show that acknowledging darkness is the first step toward healing, and that even in brokenness, growth is possible.

How can I use my experience for good?

How can the pain fertilize and bring forth growth? 

Bear fruit?

Two days before Ryan died, he gifted me a workbook on how to write my story; his final gift of faith in my future. This is my journey—one of pain, purpose, and the power of writing to transform it all. I ask myself: what legacy does Ryan want me to leave?

One thing remains clear to this day.

He wants me to write.